Greg's Stuff 'n Things

This is one of those songs that really resonated with me during my college years. I would play it on repeat and listen to it over and over again as it spoke to my mood so often. Being a lonely soul, surrounded by thousands of other souls I could not connect with, living underground and not living in proper communion with each other. And of course, the futility of it all, since often my poor attempts at communication were misunderstood, prompting an urge to flee from others. My loneliness was always at odds with my desire to be alone. I wanted to have deep friendships with others, but did not know how to do so with “normal” people. A constant juggle between empathy and apathy, not knowing the type of person I wanted to be. I wanted to be a caring person, yet I’d developed a cynical attitude as a defensive mechanism… pushing others away, yet resenting them for not being closer to me; for not understanding me. Resenting myself for my failure to help them understand me. Convincing myself that everyone hated me, so that when it proved to be untrue, I could then set myself to be artificially happy by setting my expectations too low. I could never properly express myself verbally; only through writing. I hated myself for that. So I just set about recording my life in journals, writing about my life, thinking that someday I would be able to share those journals with the girl I might marry someday. Then the irony of me being married a girl who has had no desire at all to read the multiple volumes I have written thus far. All of those feelings and experiences, the joys and the heartbreaks, will just be kept to myself forever. I suppose it was silly to think that I would someday freely share them with anyone other than myself.

In this half year journey of retrospection and introspection that I have been on, it just makes me regret all the times I distanced myself from others. All of the non-nerd friends I had who couldn’t understand me, yet were still kind to me. I sort of resented them in a way, thinking, “They aren’t like me,” and it would deplete my energy to make an effort to be with these “normal” friends, constantly afraid that they’d make fun of me for being a nerd. Because since I have been reaching out to loved ones in my past, guys and girls who were so dear to me, while some have been pleasantly surprised to hear from me, quite often I’m just ignored. Even a dear cousin of mine who was like a little brother to me. Even those friends who made such an impact on my life. If only I hadn’t withdrawn from them… If only I hadn’t pushed them away… If only I had developed better social skills at an earlier age… If only I hadn’t been so ashamed of myself… If only I had been more positive and edifying to them… Then perhaps they would be delighted when I reach out to them rather than ignoring me. Apparently I failed to leave a positive impression on them. They must only have memories of a brooding, shy, pathetic nerd who was always on the periphery and not of someone who deeply cared for them. Apparently I failed to convey that. As for me, even those who hurt my feelings, even girls who broke my heart, even people who were my enemies who gave me such stress, I love them all and I wish I could have a chance to be a blessing to them and to show love and grace to them if they were to reach out to me.

On a thousand islands in the sea
I see a thousand people just like me
A hundred unions in the snow
I watch them walking, falling in a row
We live always underground
It’s going to be so quiet in here tonight
A thousand islands in the sea
It’s a shame

And a hundred years ago
A sailor trod this ground I stood upon
Take me away everyone
When it hurts thou

From my head to my toes
From the words in the book
I see a vision that would bring me luck
From my head to my toes
To my teeth, through my nose
You get these words wrong
You get these words wrong
Every time
You get these words wrong
I just smile

But from my head to my toes
From my knees to my eyes
Every time I watch the sky
For these last few days leave me alone
But for these last few days leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone