Steve Steve Too

I wish, I wish, I wish I were a fish, 'cuz fishes have a better life than we do.

A fish called Steve

May 1996

Fish are neat. No really, they are. I used to think that fish were the most worthless of all pets. I mean, you can't pet them...they always swim away. You can't take them for walks, either. And they can't curl up and take a nap on your lap. . . they just lay there gasping. The only thing you can do is scoop them out of their tank and suck on them for awhile. (Just kidding. No, really. I'm just kidding.) I thought that they were only decorations that you had to feed. How boring.

I thought this until I bought a fish on the spur of the moment. I bought a two gallon tank with a light and filter. He was a Siamese Betta fish. I bought a fish because I had began to see why people like fish. It's so meditative and tranquil to watch him swim around in his tank, so beautiful and so colorful. It's soothing and relaxing to just sit and stare at my little fish Steve as he wanders around in his tank. Gosh, how pretty. If you've never done it, try it. (Don't waste your time with goldfish. Those are stupid creatures who are only good for feeding to bigger fish, like Oscars.) Plus, it's cute the way he wiggles back and forth when I taunt him with food.

The bad thing is, It seems like they die a lot quicker than my other pets. I've gone through two Bettas within this past year. Hopefully my current one won't die as quickly. When my first fish died, it was a tragedy. Nobody wanted to attend his funeral and ceremonial flushing-down-the-toilet. He was such a good fish. Unfortunately, he developed a tumor and died shortly after. When my second fish died, however, I decided that I wasn't going to be sad over Steve's death. (OK, alright, so I'm probably going to name every Siamese Betta fish I'll ever have for the rest of my life "Steve." What's wrong with that? It's no more crazy than naming a pet halibut "Eric.") Why should I get all depressed over his death? In fact, I tried to make light of the incident. I was feeling rather inspired, actually. I wrote several Haiku and Tanka about Steve's death. Wanna read them? Of course you do. No, really. You do.

In the clock tower
Sniping people passing by
My fish, Steve, is dead
---
The crowds of people
Cry and wail in their sorrow
Greg's pet fish passed on
Immortal Galaxy Fish
Fighting for Justice and Peace
---
Splish! In the toilet
Flush! He travels down the drain
Zen Sewer-ism
---
My Betta fish dies
And Armageddon ensues
Oops, I said "ensues"
I hate it when I do that
Time to get another fish
Oh, shut up! It's not like I didn't miss him. He was a good fish. Heck, all of my fish have been good fish. They've had plenty of goals in their life. Swimming, eating, sleeping, you know. . . fish-type stuff. Sure, I could have been all shaken up and sad inside. But it's much more fun to be cynical. So, the moral to the story is: well, I guess there is no moral to the story. Never mind.

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"I'd like to buy a fish license please." --John Cleese, Monty Python
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