Orange vests are for pussies!

Fun at work, stupid haiku

October 2006

My life as a viking

For years I have sailed up and down the fjords, wreaking havoc on the villages. I live on a diet of dried meats, mosses, and beer. Many enemies have I killed. But the other vikings make fun of me because I don't have a big, snarly beard. But I think they are sissies with their stupid blowcombs and designer fur pelts. My best friend is a giant stuffed bear I once killed in Norway. His name is Steve. Steve offers me all sorts of good viking advice. For example, I had a man whipping the slaves in my galley to make them row faster. Steve's idea was to have another man whipping the man whipping the slaves, to make him whip the slaves faster. The boat didn't go any faster, but at least the whipping was more efficient. Steve also helped me design a statue of Ms. Pac Man to put on the prow of the ship, instead of that old boring one of some Norse goddess. They have good techno rave clubs in Norway. Other vikings dance better than I can, but all I need is Steve's approval. My existence as a viking is validated only through him. He's way better than that bear on Grizzly Adams. He can help me with my trigonometry homework. Speaking of Scandinavians, my sister once bought an Ace of Bass CD. I hated it and those stupid songs they'd play on the radio. "All that she wants is another baby, blah blah blah." Scandinavians piss me off.

Fun at work

My philosophy is that even if your job is stressful at times, it makes all the difference in the world when you are surrounded by great people to work with. For the past two years, I have been fortunate to have worked in such an environment. Moreover, I've been surrounded by people who appreciate my bizarre sense of humor and find it refreshing. I once said to my coworker Dave, "I have good news! The pumpkin seeds in my desk drawer have named me their pharaoh!" He simply said, "Congratulations!" I'd normally get an open-mouthed, blank stare or something for saying that, but the people I work with are great. I am most productive at work when I am able to have fun and make the day more enjoyable for others. There was one guy named Charlie who somehow thought I was a secretary or something, and he was under this misconception for apparently a year or so. This one time he was bugging me about how he didn't have a stapler and that the supply drawer didn't have any extras stocked inside. I had no idea why he was bringing this to my attention on numerous times, other than that I thought he was just giving me a hard time. When I found out he seriously was expecting me to get him a new stapler, then I gave him the contact information to the real secretarial admin to order one for him. When he finally got it, I gave him a congratulations card. Here's a scan of the inside:

Then along comes Josh. When he was hired for my department, we hit it off immediately. I have never met anyone with such an identical sense of humor as mine, and I may never meet anyone like that again. It's interesting because the two of us have come from completely different backgrounds, but we still like a lot of the same stuff. Not many people like Space Ghost and shows like that, but Josh does. We would be able to make obscure references to certain things and we would pick up on each others' clues right away.

We'd often be on boring conference calls in which we would be on an hour long phone conference in which our input was necessary for only five minutes. So, during the down time, we would often send each other silly haiku poems via the online chat service. Here is a colletion of many of the haiku we created while being bored on conference calls. Now that I'm accepting another job at a different company and Josh is moving to Texas, I'd like to post this collection of poetry in his honor. This is a tribute to you, Josh. Take care with your new life.


GREG's haiku

JOSH's haiku

Checking my inbox
Oh look, a message from Josh
Puppy dogs are cute
My coffee is good
Vanilla and Hazelnut
It's not very warm
Cat-sized cowboy hat
A rocket ship to the moon!
Porkchop sandwiches
At work today I
Had an accident in my
Pants and now I'm wet
My mom laughs at me
Helicopters are neat-o
Potato salad
Oozing tons of cheese
A Grande Quesadilla
Eat, then back to work
On my work desktop
Cute anime figurines
In love, like to kiss
But the robot won't let them
So they kiss in secrecy
Ripped arms, rock hard abs
He is a righteous person
Bald head, sunglasses
He stops his jeep and gets out,
"Who wants a body massage?"
Josh is a smoker
I sat next to him just now
Now I smell like smoke
Greg does not throw poo
After sitting next to him
I don't smell like poo
A fight to the death
Teddy bear vs. robot
Which one is stronger?
Beep beep click ding beep
I hate being a robot
Click click beep beep ding
My rubber duckie
Tells me to do things 'n stuff
Like smashing up things
Afternoon drug test
I have to piss in a cup.
Look out! Damn! I missed.
Evil rubber duck
Bastard lit my house on fire
They won't believe me
"Monkeyturd butt-nut!"
"Cacadoodie poopoohead!"
"Name calling is fun."
Punctured bike tire
Who wants to play some Pac Man?
I like strawberries
Each day I leave work
Get in my truck and drive home
Time to drink some beer
Computerized brain
No room to store my bookmarks?
Something has to go
Goodbye, childhood memories
They weren't pleasant anyway
Chili in a can
Well, it's not really a can.
It's more like a bowl.
But it's microwavable.
My chili's all hot and stuff.
Nobody seems to like me
Gum's stuck to my shoe
Try not to feel so bad, Greg
I'm no good either.
Cat diahrrea
Dragging its ass on carpet
Skid marks on the floor
Bologna sandwich
I know some stuff about tanks
Vikings are better
Finger smells funny
What did I eat this morning?
Ah yes, Captain Crunch
Caveman no haiku
Caveman just try to make flame
Caveman find water
Robotic ostrich
Collects pickled plumbs at home
Why? No real reason
Cornbread Ecstasy
My pantiloons are burning
Where's my pineapple?
Found a dead lizard
It was underneath my bed
Next to the porn mags
Is a happy animal
But he has no hair.
I'm the janitor!
These toilets are sparkly clean!
Next I'll mop the floors
El Gato Negro
Comidar un burrito
Como Santa Claus?
Fork in the toaster
Stand too close to microwave
X-rays at dentist's
So where's my super powers?
Like laser beams from my eyes
Here's one from a frog:

Listen up hippies,
Quit licking me to get high!
Lick yourself; I do.

Invasion from space
Capitol is occupied
But Simpsons is on!
I have no love life
Should not have gotten married
To a plastic fish.
Spider beside me
Asked me if I had the time
So I squashed him dead
Frog and Toad are friends.
But sometimes Toad gets jealous
And hits Frog with bricks.
Godzilla breathes fire
Soldiers incinerated
Scrapes them off his foot
Like the Swedish Chef
He sings about the chickens
And he has no eyes.
Something magical
Stirring deep inside me
Oh wait, it's just gas
I am a ninja
Silent, deadly assassin
But I like tofu.
A mattress named Zem
Floating alone in the swamp
Where'd the robot go?
"Your dog ate my cat."
"No way! Your cat ate my dog!"
"Enough. Let's go eat."
Someone ran over
My Fish with his stupid car
I want to kill him
"She stopped loving me."
"Maybe it's because you've changed?"
"No, I think she's dead."
She kissed him and left.
"Good bye," she said. And he cried...
Cried and said, "Hulk SMASH!!!"
Michael's contribution:
Dew covers the grass
Fog rises from the small bridge
The fisherman farts
Donuts in my gut
Having a disagreement
With stomach acid.

Some bonus poetry

Those Who Don't Like Voltron
There are those who don't like Voltron
They will never understand how great he is
They will never know his power
Scream at their elbows
Scream at their teeth
Scream at their eyelids
Just don't let them touch you
With their creepy hands
You can scream at their hands, too
Scream at their pancreas if you get bored

Rowlf The Dog
His furry brown fingers
Fly across the piano keys
Lit by the warm candelight.

He is a dog.


Floppily his floppy ears flop
The bust of Beethoven looks on
I ate a sandwich for lunch.

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